Hurt Is Not A Feeling

Hurt is not a feeling?

Well, maybe hurt is a feeling, but when you use the word “hurt” with your partner, they usually want to defend — saying they didn’t hurt you.

Instead, say that you feel pain when something happens.  As in, “It’s painful when…”

Saying how you feel cannot be argued with and it can reduce conflict.  If you claim “hurt,” then your partner is suddenly responsible for your pain.

Since I am at choice about my feelings, I don’t necessarily have see your behavior as “hurtful.” I might be able to see your behavior as just behavior and not choose to feel pain because of your actions.

And in the end, I believe hurt is actually an experience, not a feeling.


Copyright © 2007 Russell Wilkie, MFT

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