Hurt Is Not A Feeling

Hurt is not a feeling?

Well, maybe hurt is a feeling, at least in terms of the physical pain we experience when our body is damaged. However, when you use the word “hurt” as an emotion with your partner, they usually want to defend — saying they didn’t hurt you.

Instead, say that you feel pain when something happens. As in, “It’s painful when…” or “That doesn’t feel very good to me.”

Saying how you feel cannot be argued with and it can reduce conflict as it keeps you away from arguing facts and details. If you claim “hurt,” then your partner is suddenly responsible for your pain.

Since I am at choice about my feelings, I don’t necessarily have to see your behavior as “hurtful.” I might be able to see your behavior as just behavior and not choose to feel pain because of your actions. In fact, depending on the context, I might even laugh about what I could see as a painful interaction, or at least feel neutral about it.

And in the end, I believe hurt is an experience, not a feeling. People do get hurt, but the question that saves you from an argument is under the pain/hurt, what do I feel?

Click to download a copy of Hurt is Not a Feeling.