Apart from the difficult and obvious issues of deep wounds and intense fighting, I’ve seen, over and over, how couples can just drift apart over time from lack of relationship nurturing. It takes energy and time to keep the love present. Couples stop showing the love. They stop tending the relationship garden and stop pulling weeds or adding fertilizer and water. They stop expressing caring in unique ways—novel ways. They stop focusing on one another. They stop spending time together because of full and busy lives—and children.
The pain we feel in response to the negative behavior of another can quickly build resentments. I’ve written a lot about the resentment bricks that become walls between us. One of the ways that these bricks get laid is simple neglect. A lot of this happens from the ending of the honeymoon phase. Part of what makes the relationship so amazing in the beginning is the experience we have of being special—being pursued by the other (through love letters or flowers or special dates or planning a future together). Once we’ve “captured” or “hooked” someone, we relax in our pursuit. As a person reduces their pursuit, the other feels the change and begins to imagine there is less love coming their way (whether it’s true or not).
We all enjoy being pursued and noticed and special and loved. If our partner is off working sixty-hours a week, it’s difficult to get what we want from them in terms of focus and time. This is when some types of affairs occur. If another person shows interest in us and we feel that warmth inside that happens when we are pursued, we will be drawn in that direction. How do we stop that from happening?
To put it quite simplistically, you want to be sure that your partner is continuing to feel special. You can increase the odds that they won’t wander off by loving them, pursuing them and appreciating them. The Internet is full of romance ideas. There are books galore about it too — workshops as well. And in a plug for my friends Emmett and Denise Culley, I have personally taken their weekend course entitled “Relationships 123.” It is about pursuit, romance, appreciation and a lot of other amazing things – things I suggest every couple do to make sure you are sending the message of love and pursuit.
So, I’m suggesting that you find the time to regularly do something special and unique for your partner to make sure they are pursued and feel special. For almost every couple I work with, this is the first step to rekindling the romance and the intimacy.
Click to download a copy of Don’t Drift Apart- Pursue, Pursue, Pursue.
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