Betcha clicked here first, huh? 🙂
Sex therapy is not what most people think. The problem is almost never the mechanics or biology (although the makers of the new drugs would have you think so…).
The cause is almost always a lack of romance or a communication issue. Most couples that work with me resolve this pretty quickly by building intimacy, which leads to sex, which leads to getting back into love.
I know this will sound sexist, but I have found it to be true for almost all heterosexual couples: Men want to have sex so they can feel close and intimate. Women want romance and intimacy in order to feel like having sex.
It sounds like a no-win situation, doesn’t it?
The good news is that if you know this, then you have the info you need in order to meet in the middle.
Meeting in the middle means that men can work on being romantic and intimate in order to help spark a woman’s sexual interest. Women can occasionally have sex that is not so intensely intimate and heartfelt for them, but feeds the man’s desire.
And even individuals that are in alternate gender/sexual relationships, still tend to take on those differing roles. I have a hunch it has to do with something like “opposites attract.”
I’ve discussed this with most couples I’ve worked with over the years and it’s been a successful shift for most of them.
Try it. It may work for you too.
One final note on sex therapy: I don’t know all of the huge variants of poly or kink or BDSM (who could?), however, I have been working in this and other fringe areas, such as open relationships, for over 20 years that I do feel very comfortable with them.
© 2005 Russell Wilkie, MFT