Why Is Sex So Difficult to Talk About?

The average American adult has sex 60 times per year, and 64% of Americans believe that their sex lives influence their overall happiness. More sex equals more happiness ☺. Although plenty of people are having sex, very few are talking about it. In fact, sex is such a taboo topic that one-in-four adults with sexual health issues are too embarrassed to bring up those issues with their doctors.

The topic is perceived to be off-limits to such a degree that three out of four couples are uncomfortable talking about sex with their own partners. That’s an astounding number. It’s no wonder so many people don’t call a therapist. If 75% of people can’t talk to their partner, or doctor, why would they call a sex therapist? The answer is that we do this for a living, and we feel totally comfortable talking about sex. I can say breast and penis as easily as elbow and knee, and I don’t blush ☺.

Why the stigma? In American culture, the definition of sex is typically restricted to something taking place between a man and woman, usually within the context of a monogamous relationship. The goal of a sexual encounter, according to many religious institutions, is conception. Hollywood’s definition, while a bit more liberal, is still extremely limited and intensely romantic, in that it doesn’t typically include the idea of multiple partners, kink, or more aggressive forms of lovemaking.

Aside from a few new films like the 50 Shades of Grey series, mainstream cinematic depictions of love making are typically romantic, gentle, and uncreative—they’re all about very gentle passion and a swelling of the heart. The 36 percent of adults in the United States who use masks, blindfolds, and bondage tools are vastly underrepresented and rarely spoken of.  

The cultural repression of sexuality has prevented many people from seeking counseling. Even in this wonderfully liberal state of California, those who do seek out professional help often run into ignorance and judgment, further reinforcing negative sexual taboos. 

For example, some people mistakenly assume that kinky sexuality intrinsically entails promiscuity, risky behaviors, or sexual exploitation; when in actuality, some kink isn’t even sexually based, but a thrilling power exchange. Some unaware therapists and doctors even equivocate BDSM with self-harm. Fortunately, kink-aware therapy is free from these biases, allowing members of the kink community to get the sexual health counseling they need without fear of being unfairly labeled or judged.

Are You Worried About Your Sex Life? 

Do you have doubts about your sexual performance or preferences or secret thoughts? It may be that you have a very strong or very weak libido, creating a desire discrepancy between your partner and you. If so, you may be struggling with low self-esteem, especially if you have experienced erectile disorder or premature ejaculation (orgasm sooner than you desire).

Are you struggling to make sense of evolving sexual feelings or desires? Perhaps you have a new partner, or your partner recently surprised you by suggesting or trying something new in the bedroom. Even if you deeply love your partner, new or unexpected behavior might have sparked fear, discomfort, or displeasure. 

On the other hand, you may have been surprised by how much you enjoyed a new sexual activity or partner. If so, you might be feeling confused, embarrassed, or ashamed, especially if the experience challenged your assumptions or went outside of socially accepted norms.

Are you wondering how to try something new while maintaining the same level of closeness? If you’ve had a traditional, frequently called “vanilla” relationship with you partner up to this point, you might want to introduce new activities, partners, or relationship dynamics but fear how they might react. If you’re wondering how to start a Dom-sub relationship (D/s), for example, you may wonder if it is really possible to fulfill your sexual needs while ensuring your sexual encounters are safe, sane, and consensual (SSC). 

How Can Kink-Friendly Sex Counseling Help?

I offer kink-friendly therapy as a safe space for talking about things most people would be uncomfortable discussing with their family or friends and sometimes, even their partner. In my office, you can completely be yourself while we work on whatever sexual issues you’d like to explore. 

I’ll work toward helping you uncover the psychological roots of any sexual issues you may be dealing with. If you’ve been struggling to orgasm when having sex with your partner, for example, we’ll explore whether that may be situational, biological, or psychological. If you are able to orgasm in other contexts, such as masturbation, something other than a medical issue may be causing the issue.

Some cases of sexual issues have biological roots. Most, I believe, are psychological in nature, stemming from interaction, intimacy, and communication issues. Research on desire, erectile, orgasm, and other sexual disorders bears this out. According to University of Chicago sex researcher Edward Laumann, sexual dysfunction is “a serious psychological phenomenon” despite much “titillated debate” over Viagra and other medically focused treatments.

Often, negative self-beliefs are also part of the problem. In many cases, this harmful self-talk is born out of some form of past trauma. Even if you weren’t abused, bullied, or cheated on, you may have internalized painful emotions from a relatively benign past experience or adverse relationship that was traumatic.

If I think trauma is contributing to your difficulties, we may try to resolve it through a well-known and very successful treatment method called Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR). This simple but effective technique can help you dissolve the emotional residue from past negative experiences, allowing you to start enjoying activities that used to trigger deep-seated, trauma-induced emotions.

As a sexual health counselor, I can also offer you practical tips for overcoming sexual disorders. For example, if you are having difficulty achieving an orgasm, I can recommend techniques for increasing your sensitivity. If you’re on the other side of the ejaculation spectrum, I can answer the common question of how to delay ejaculation.

For more than three decades I have been helping individuals, couples, threesomes, and moresomes overcome their biases and ingrained fears about their sexuality to help them realize their potential for greater sexual fulfillment. With your trust and commitment, we can eliminate barriers that could be preventing you from fully enjoying and connecting with your partner(s).

As you consider kink-aware therapy, you may be wondering. . . 

What should I expect? Will we just be talking, or will there actually be sex during sessions?

There are very clear ethical and legal guidelines that restrict what may and may not take place in therapy. So to be clear, no one will be having sex in my office. The relationship between a therapist and a client is a sacred trust. Entangling the power dynamics of sexual relationships with those of therapeutic relationships would violate that trust. I vow to do my clients no harm, and that means keeping a strict professional distance. Intimacy-building and experimental activities, including those of a sexual nature, may be suggested as homework to encourage your partner(s) and you to try new things.

I find it embarrassing to talk about sex, so I am a little afraid of being judged.

It can be difficult to make the transition from reading about sex to talking about it. I’ve been offering kink-friendly therapy and conventional sex therapy for years, so I am very comfortable discussing a wide range of sexual topics. I provide a professional, nonjudgmental atmosphere that will help you get more comfortable talking about sex. I may recommend books and other resources to help you learn some sexual terms and concepts that may apply to you, helping you to be more prepared and thus more comfortable when you walk into your next session.

The corona virus may make things easier for you, in terms of embarrassment talking with me, as my practice is exclusively online therapy (or tele-health) now, so I work from my home office and we meet virtually online. Sadly, the fear of the spread of the virus may make your interest in sex reduced, or your fears go up. I do understand this change and I’m here to help.

What if I’m into BDSM, anal, role playing, group sex, voyeurism, exhibitionism, D/s, flogging, ropes, or other kinds of kink?

I promote the values of the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom (NCSF), which aims to “advance the rights of and advocate for consenting adults in the BDSM-Leather-Fetish, Swing, and Polyamory Communities.” As a kink-friendly therapist, I’m familiar with a wide range of sexual preferences and issues, so you don’t have to worry about saying something that will surprise me. Regardless of whether or not you are into BDSM, fetishes, or any other form of kink, I can help with a wide variety of potential issues that some therapists might discourage or shy away from. If you would like to pursue a new, unconventional sexual experience, I can suggest ways to bring up the topic with your partner. If you’re trying to work out some issues in an existing Dom-sub (D/s) relationship, I can help you establish a power dynamic that balances pleasure with safety and ethical integrity by adhering to the guiding principles of Safe, Sane, and Consensual (SSC) and/or Risk-Aware Consensual Kink (RACK).

Realize Your Sexual Potential With Kink-Aware Therapy 

I can help you resolve psychological glitches that may be holding your partner and you back from a fulfilling sex life or kinky lifestyle. As a kink-friendly therapist with more than 30 years’ experience, I’ve seen, first-hand, the positive impact that professional counseling can have. Feel free to visit my contact page to set up an initial appointment and determine if we would be a good working team.

Click to download a copy of Russell Wilkie’s Sex Therapy & Kink-Friendly Therapy page.